Perfection Infection: No More Perfect Days

This chapter in Jill Savage's book No More Perfect Moms hit me hard. She writes...

"Learning to live with kids requires making major adjustments in our realistic expectations. We have to learn to expect the unexpected, find flexibility, and increase the margin. Instead of getting frustrated lets stop expecting a fantasy and instead embrace reality."

All I can say is wow, that really hit home to me. I often found myself waking up in the morning with an agenda and a long list of to dos. Not sure who I was kidding, who can really keep that kind of agenda when you have a toddler? 

I would get extremely frustrated if I wasn't able to get everything done on my list and would feel like I failed. It was as if I had missed a major deadline at work and I was going to get fired. This never helped my feeling of lacking accomplishments that had been boiling up since I left the working world. I know that home is where God has called me to be but it has been an interesting transition.

I have learned that you need to expect the unexpected every day. Every activity of the day will be interrupted by something, a mommy come see, a boom that needs a kiss and a cuddle, a push while cooking because he wants my attention, something has been spilled, a toy that isn't working the way he wants, and the list could go on forever. It is in these moments that we need two things that Jill Savage points out, Self-Control and Perspective.

When my plans don't go quite how I would have liked I need self-control to keep my tongue in check (goes back to remembering that he is a toddler and he is testing boundaries and will make mistakes). There is no reason to raise my voice to him in most situations, although some may need a stern tone to them, but I need to keep my frustrations down and just go with what is happening. I love how she writes about having perspective..."the moment we are in is just as important as the one planned", "embrace 'what is' instead of 'what could have been'".

Better to be patient than powerful; better to have self-control than conquer a city. (Proverbs 16:32)

Jill Savage writes that we should view those not planned for moments as God appointments. We may not have planned on that instant happening but God has a purpose and a reason for them. Often these are the best camera moments and can bring such joy to our days. 

An unexpected moment of having my pots and pan drawer emptied and

turned into a play area, he was sad I only let him stay long enough for a picture. 

I have changed how I plan out my day now. I plan one activity and one or two chore/cleaning items. The activity may not always be something fun but is more something that gets us out of the house. For instance, I do our main grocery shopping once every three weeks, with small trips every week to purchase fresh fruits and milk, so as you can guess on those mornings we don't have a lot of time left to spare for a fun activity outside the house. It is a good thing he loves to ride in the "car carts" that our grocery stores have (and yes I am a crazy mom that circles the parking lot looking for one in a cart coral if I can't see any inside the doors; Todd finds this embarrassing). On these days with a non-fun activity I try to sit down with him and be fully focused on playing with him for at least 45 minutes, no distractions (no tv, no phone, etc). The chore/cleaning items are usually completed right after lunch, a full belly usually means a happy boy and he is generally content helping me clean.

The rest of our day is a go with the flow kind of thing. If our activity didn't take very long and it is nice outside we jump in the stroller or on the bike and make our way to a park or the library. These surprise events can change the tone of the day and bring some of our greatest memories. 

Mixing up a marinade for mommy - my happy chef

The other thing I have learned is to get Andrew involved as much as possible. He loves to help and is great at doing things like mixing up ingredients for a marinade inside a storage bag, dusting the furniture (yes this is usually after I have already done it) and now as he is getting older he is able to get things that I ask for. Doing this makes him feel involved and that smile he has when he has accomplished something is priceless.

I traded my days in the business world that were full of interruptions by adults to days filled with interruptions from my little guy, and I would never go back.

This morning it was overly hot outside so our fun activity was 

a trip to the library, he loves to play with the train and Lego tables

What if I was never disappointed with how things turn out because I never expected anything specific?

- Jill Savage -

Perfection Infection: No More Perfect Marriages

When I think about how people must view Todd and I's marriage I see them thinking that we have it all together, but that is not true. I think back to a girls night with a bunch of ladies from my Bible study group. I don't remember how the topic came up but one of the ladies started going around the room saying whether or not she envisioned each couple fighting. When she reached me she said that she couldn't see us fighting. Granted this was all in fun but it really made me think about how we really don't know what happens inside other people's homes.

For Todd and I heated arguments are not a daily thing, nor even a weekly thing, but they do happen; we have ickiness in our marriage just like everyone else. We have been married for just over six years now but we are approaching the thirteen year mark of being together as a couple (yup that's right your math was correct, I was 15 and Todd was 17). In those thirteen years together our relationship has seen a lot of ups and downs but that is the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. 

The love that a husband and wife have will not always be the sweet, caring, mushiness that is displayed all over our word. The truth is that there will be differences, conflict, selfishness (Philippians 2:3-5), and pride (Proverbs 16:18). But what makes a marriage powerful is the choice that we make to love each other even when things aren't picture perfect. That choice gets us through the times when the feeling of love isn't fully there.

That choice can mean different things to different people, it is all in the different strengths and struggles that your relationship have. The most powerful thing for me to remember (and I know I didn't do a great job of this in our first years of marriage) is to respect Todd. Ephesians 5:33 calls a man to love his wife and a wife to respect her husband.

"However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33, ESV)

I knew that God wanted me to put Todd as the head of our household but that was hard for me to grasp when I was submerged in a culture telling me that I was independent and submission was a terrible thing. But when I realized that the words I was reading in Ephesians (see Ephesians 5:21-23, 25) were not suggestions but how God expected a marriage to function, life got a lot easier. Just as a woman needs to be loved, a man needs to be respected. 

By no means do I have all of these areas figured out and I stumble sometimes. Jill Savage writes in her book "No More Perfect Moms" that there are four areas to remember...

• Replace Pride with Humility -  "Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2. We have to be willing to take responsibility in our relationship and ask ourselves if an area of disagreement is worth a battle or if it simply an area where compromise can be made. Jill Savage uses the example of supper...is it so terrible to have Mexican when you were thinking Italian?
• Replace Fear with Courage - take a risk with your husband and share honestly. I have learned in our years together that I am most comfortable when I am able to share what is going on with me with Todd. Some topics may be embarassing but even so it feels better to have him know what is going on with me.
• Replace Insecurity with Confidence - Don't expect your husband to fill every role in your life. This was one area of struggle for me in the past. I didn't have a lot of friends during my college years so I relied on him to fill that area of my life as well. We need our husbands in a healthy and balanced way.
• Replace Judgement with Grace - Remember that we are all going to fail sometimes and we will need to give each other grace. Sometimes it is easier to give grace to others than yourself, but don't forget yourself when supper goes wrong...if it is really that bad there is always take-out.

Our First Prom Together (April 2001)    /    Our Wedding Day (June 2007)

My 16th Birthday surprise from my parents    /    Our Wedding Day

Todd surprised me with finding the same people that took us for a ride on my 16th birthday.

Everyday I thank God for blessing me with such an amazing man to call my husband. He is an amazing partner in life and friend. I don't know what I would do without him. Our marriage is not perfect and it never will be, but we strive to make it as strong as it possibly can be and keep it based around God.

One Imperfect Woman + One Imperfect Man = An Amazing (Imperfect) Marriage

The Fourth of July

Over the long 4th of July weekend we were blessed to have parts of each of our families down to visit for a busy, productive, fun filled four days.

The weekend started with painting and lots of it. On Thursday we were able to paint our bedroom, the office, and the kitchen. We finished up on Friday with painting the dining room. It is so nice to be able to look around the house and see colors that we chose. Something so simple makes it feel more and more like home to me. A great big THANK YOU to all that helped out.

On Friday we went over to my sister's house and had a big barbeque with family. It was a great time to sit back and enjoy the weather and conversation. It concluded with a trip back to our house to roast marshmallows while our little guy slept.

Saturday we took a trip to the zoo, it was a little warm but well worth it.

These are my favorite kind of weekends...when there is time for everything. It was such a great time with family and yet I was still able to get that feeling of accomplishing something. We need these weekends more often!

Zoo Time

We decided this year to get a membership to the zoo. Our zoo is perfect sized for little ones, we can go and see almost the whole zoo in less than three hours which allows us to do just a morning trip and not throw out our whole normal routine. Most times we don't see everything because Andrew becomes fascinated with a couple of animals and we spend a lot of time there, but that is why having the pass is great we can catch those other animals next time.

Andrew loves seeing the animals and would go every day if we would let him. I have learned that telling him we are going there too early is a bad thing because then he doesn't stop repeating "Zoo".

After our first visit this year we learned a valuable lesson, leave the stroller at home! Andrew much prefers to walk through the zoo and since he does a pretty good job of listening to us and staying close this works out great. We can quickly lift him up to see animals and we aren't getting him in and out all of the time. I have gotten a few comments from others, they are surprised to see our little guy walking that far, but most think it is cute how excited he is.

The zoo has a great Australian area that is one of Andrew's favorites. In here the animals roam free (wallabies, emus, and a peacock). One time while we were there one of the emus got a little excited and ran across the path right in front of Andrew, he wasn't to sure of that, crying and quickly climbing into my arms. But he wasn't traumatized for very long.

The last time we visited there was a wallaby very close to Andrew, he turns around and smiles at me and says "Touch?". Thankfully he listened when I told him he could only look, granted it probably would have just hopped away.

Usually they have out at least one of their "learning" animals. These are animals that the zoo uses in educating the public and often they can be touched by the kids. Andrew was not afraid to touch this lizard. A week or so later we were able to take him to our library where the zoo brought in some of their education animals. Andrew sat there and intently watched the whole thing and was very excited when he got to pet a ferret at the end.

After all of the excitement this is how we always end our trips to the zoo. Andrew asks for a snack and water for the ride home and within five minutes or less of leaving this is what he looks like...

The zoo is definitely a favorite for our family and I see many more years of this to come.

Perfection Infection: No More Perfect Bodies

All women do it at some point in their lives, most multiple times and I am no different. We see the perfection every where, TV, magazines, advertisements, the perfect body. We have those thoughts of "why can't I...", "I used to have..." and we crumble a little inside. What we neglect to see are the touch-ups made to pictures and the professional trainers and dieticians that are behind those bodies that we are comparing our 'regular' selves to. But even though we know these things we can't think of that in those moments.

Lately this has hit me hard, so hard that it has greatly affected my life. Right before I found out that I was pregnant with Andrew I was in probably the best overall shape of my life (not my lowest weight, but that was an ideal goal to meet). I was running 2 miles every couple of days, lifting weights to tone, and achieving my goal of a flatter stomach. I don't have to tell anyone that it all quickly changed with my growing baby bump, but I was completely okay with that knowing the miracle growing inside of me. It was after Andrew was born that the struggles began.

I quickly learned that breast feeding is a great weight loss tool (obviously not the reason that I did it, just an added benefit). The baby weight quickly started to fall away and I got below the weight I was before I got pregnant with very little exercise. I wasn't living in a fantasy world though, I knew some weight would come back on once I stopped breast feeding, which it did. But even as that weight fell off I couldn't get over how different I was. Not only was my stomach no longer as flat as it used to be it now had lots of stretch marks and creases that made me very self conscious. I didn't want anyone to see them, especially not Todd.

I don't know exactly how or why but I became okay with them. I accepted that these were just my forever reminder that I carried our little boy for 9 months plus and delivered him at a whooping 8lbs 2oz (his size didn't come from my side of the family, that was for sure).  I never liked wearing bikinis anyways, so what did it matter.

By the time that I got to this acceptance point I was nearing the end of nursing Andrew. Any mom out there that has breast fed knows how much that can change your body. This one probably hit me harder. I felt like I had lost part of my identity and I was crushed. It wasn't until I got to this point in the book "No More Perfect Moms" that I found the last bit of encouragement that I needed; Bible verses (why I didn't go here in the first place I'm not sure)...
 
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Being reminded that this body is not mine, but God's made me realize that he has a plan for me and that includes what my body looks like and the emotional ride that I went through.
   
"But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7   

This was the most encouraging. God won't choose not to use me in his plan because I don't have the same body that I used to, yes he wants me to honor and take care of it, but the little details won't stop him from using me. 

Jill Savage writes in her book a few differences in how God views us verses how the world views us...

        God sees Possibilities, the world sees Liabilities
        God sees Strengths, the world sees Weaknesses
        God sees Who we are, the world sees Who we aren't


I have become encouraged to not get upset about the appearance of my body and what it is "lacking" by society standards but instead to focus and get motivated on developing what God wants me to work on, the Fruit of the Spirit. Looking at our bodies from God's perspective can move us from being insecure to being confident. For some this could be an instant change, it will not be that way for me, this process will take time and growth.

The important thing that I have found is to make peace with my body. I know it isn't "perfect" but I know that I have a God who loves me and a husband who loves me too. If they can both look past my flaws, I can learn to also.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23)

Summer Catch Up

Our summer has been filled with lots of small activities, mainly outdoor. Andrew wants to be outside any chance he gets, needless to say I and himself have some pretty good tan lines.

First Baseball Game

Towards the end of June I was able to get free tickets to a minor league baseball game. Since it was free I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to take Andrew to see how he did; if he hated it we would only be out the cost of parking. It ended up being an extremely hot day with heat indexes approaching 100. By the time the game started it was still in the mid 90s but we decided to go. Andrew loved it, especially the free baseballs they were handing out that night...

Don't even think about taking this from me.

The above pictures are not smiles nor daddy hugs. They are "Daddy Protect Me!" We knew that Andrew was not a fan of people dressed in costumes and this was confirmed that night when the team mascot (a big bear) came walking up the steps next to us. Andrew was terrified and cried for a while, never taking his eyes off of the bear.

 Chilling with Daddy's sunglasses, that he broke later that night.

 

Summer Celebration Firsts

Our town has a celebration every July that runs from Thursday to Sunday. This year Andrew got to experience some firsts during this time (many containing sugar). We took him to the parade last year, but at only about 7 months old he didn't fully grasp it. This year he was in awe most of the time.

           Went for the high seat to watch           Enjoying an ice pop that was tossed to
            the start of the parade.                              him during the parade.

Sitting with Aunt Nichole watching everything go by

and enjoying his sucker (more sugar!)

 

Saturday evening during the summer celebration there is a Christian concert called Soak Up the Son, which contains area church bands. It is always a great time hanging out with friends and enjoying great music. This year we had it easy as Todd wasn't helping to run sound for the event. Andrew enjoyed the music but I think his favorite part was the popcorn (provided by the movie theater - always a favorite of mine too) and the lemonade (provided by a local grocery store).

  
It was a great weekend filled with great fellowship with friends and family. God blessed us with great weather, even a little cool (yes Andrew is wearing a sweatshirt in the middle of July), low 70s causes goosebumps when you are used to upper 80s or low 90s. I always look forward to this weekend every summer and I have a feeling Andrew will too.

Perfection Infection: No More Perfect Kids

Diving into Jill Savage's book "No More Perfect Moms" further she taught me some things about controlling my expectations of perfection in regards to Andrew and any additional children that God may bless us with.


Without even realizing it I expect a lot out of Andrew and often forget that he isn't even 2 years old yet. I expect him to be a well behaved little boy, like any mother would, but I shouldn't be shocked when he pushes boundaries and lacks self-control. One thing that I desire most often is for him to be a little more independent in those moments that I need to get something done.  He loves to stay close to Mom and Dad and is always curious what we are doing. Often this leads to him following us around the house (getting stepped on or ran into when we don't realize he is right behind us) and being held so he can see what we are doing. With one less arm or a trailing crying toddler it can make this harder to do and often more frustrating.

Children push boundaries to find out where those boundaries are, I can safely say that this is probably a mom's most frustrating part of their jobs. Jill Savage reminds us not to take these actions personally. She says that once we do this we start losing control of our emotions, become angry, and lose focus on what is truly going on in that situation. She also warns of letting our anger and/or embarassment decide what the punishment will be.

This I have to take to heart - Andrew's favorite place to throw fits while in public seem to be parks and grocery stores and the reactions are night and day different. The looks that are received from others at the park are usually ones of understanding and reassurance. Every mom has taken their child from a park screaming their head off because they aren't ready to leave (rarely is a child ready to leave a place of endless fun). However some of the looks that are received at the grocery store bring on those thoughts of "Why are you doing this to me?", "Why can't you behave?", etc. 

Because of these looks that come my way at a minimum once a week, I have made it my mission to not let them get to me. I don't want any additional frustration to enter the situation and only make everything worse. I also find myself being more sympathetic to mom's in the same situation, offering them a simple smile expressing the "I've been their too" look.

We need to remember that our primary job is to train up our children in love. Jill Savage says that "the more we love unconditionally and the more we provide an emotionally safe and a relationally safe environment for our kids, the more love makes it safe to fail". Our kids need to be able to fail in daily life in order to learn.

Jill Savage expresses that to help us over come not having perfect kids we should...

1. Reject Pride and Embrace Humility - thank God no matter if our children make good or bad decisions, they are all learning situations.
2. Reject Insecurity and Embrace Confidence - in those public settings when tantrums occur calmly address the situation and ask those giving you 'those looks' to excuse you as you train your child.
3. Reject Judgement and Embrace Grace - remember that every time your child makes a mistake it is simply a learning experience (sometimes for both of you). 

The challenge that I took away from this chapter was to remind myself that my expectations need to stay in check and to dismiss those not so friendly looks that are sometimes received. It is more important to not let those affect my reaction to the situation. God blessed us with a wonderful little boy and has trusted us to raise him up in His image, that is the goal that I strive to.

Our Sweet, Imperfect Little Guy

Learning About the Perfection Infection

A few weeks ago I checked out a book from our library titled "No More Perfect Moms" by Jill Savage. A few months prior I had seen the book on an email listing that I subscribe to that lets you know about good deals on Christian books for Kindle readers. It was on there and looked interesting, instead of buying it I decided to wait until it was available at our library.

I rarely pick up a book that causes me to grab a pen and paper and start taking notes on it but this one did it to me (I can only think of one other one right now that wasn't part of a Bible study that I was doing). After reading the first chapter I knew that there was a lot in this book for me to learn and had it been my own I would have started underlining and making notes in the column. After I satisfied the urge to make notes I got the urge to share my findings with others. 

The book covers eight different areas of a mom's life that area affected by what she calls the "Perfection Infection" that has taken over our world. As I read through the book I plan to share what she has to say and how each of these areas affect my life.

The Basics: The Perfection Infection

How many times in a week or even day do you find yourself looking at pictures your friends have posted either to Facebook or their blog and say to yourself, "only if..." That is the first step to the Perfection Infection that Jill Savage writes about. 

When we do this we are "comparing insides and outsides". We look at these pictures and all we see are things that we wish we had or that our marriage would be that happy or that our kid would be like that. Jill writes that we are "comparing our messy insides - our struggles, our failures, our less-than-perfect lives - to other women's carefully cleaned-up, perfect looking outsides" (pg 15).

What we fail to remember is to consider how often do we post things that are hard and terrible in our lives out there for the general public to see; don't you think this is true for your friends as well? We all hide our true selves and in turn we are hindering the friendships that we could be making. 

With these basics in place, Jill Savage goes into more details on how trying to be perfect breaks into different areas of our lives and I can't wait to dig deeper into these areas.